We may have gotten a little carried away with a trending Twitter hashtag – #Bandwiches
Introducing Bite the Bandwich – our temporary up-market, super-sarnie pop-up that’ll blow your hungering tastebudding brains out the back end of your biting brainium and leave you dribbling in the kitchen-back-alley like a slathering street urchin – fresh.
In all honesty, I intended on making up some funny sarnies and doing a simple and silly post about them. What actually transpired was me getting too into it and I ended up imagining sandwiches, over the course of too much time – probably better invested elsewhere, that were as plausible and delicious as possible – there’s actually not too much “silly” in sight at all… so if you’re game, zing us your cash and we’ll get cracking on opening up show…
What’s on the Menu?
Californian Red Hot Chili Peppered Skag-Steak Wrap
– Char-grilled crispy red onion, flaming hot Californian red peppers, melted Provolone cheese, and “secret special sauce” marinated steak slices
Though, over the years, certain ingredients simply ceased to jam with the rest and consequently the wrap has quite drastically changed – the lack of classic ingredients, such as the “secret special sauce”, seems to have seen a real decline in the wrap’s once-craved & intoxicating nature – in all honesty, people became addicted to these super spicy, super delicious steak babies pretty sharpish and so it’s probably best that they’re left as a rocking piece of the Bandwich past – though, if your in the Bite the Bandwich café and you’re looking for the ‘traditional’ Californian Red Skag you only have to ask us to make it with “Mother’s Milk” and the kitchen might be able to find you some of that sweet secret marinade.
“Waiter, waiter! There’s a flea in my wrap!… And he’s rocking out a sweet bass riff, man!”
Nirvana Masala Chapati
A special thick-breaded mint & thyme chapati, wrapped and filled with a mild meat curry made with infused spice blends, herbs and depression – supposed to instil a sense of calm and clairvoyance.
Another blast of the culinary Bandwich past – this little number was a pretty well-kept secret of the Washington kitchen clubs until its creator, Kurry Cobbanna, was found dead in his girlfriend’s flat, his head floating in a bubbling broth of Nirvana Masala.
Kurry had originally created the Bandwich out of a simple desire to make a delicious treat that reflected his personality. Tired with the stagnant industry, the driving core of the snack was a cryptic and satirical jest at the formulaic and repetitive food industry, a spicy and holistic hand-held snack that embodied the spiralling delusion of modern eating. How this was achieved with a simple “meat + sauce, put in bread” formula? We will never know.
Kurry Cobbanna was found by an electrician, who had been called to the flat by Cobbanna’s girlfriend, Korma Luff, in the early hours of the morning to make some “minor altercations to the security feeds in the building” – “I couldn’t believe what I was seeing,” stated the electrician, “I nearly spewed all in the broth! But I’m glad I didn’t, after the state troopers came in and took the head out we all slopped a few spoonfuls onto some warm Chapaties that we found just sitting in the oven – it was delicious!”
Despite the Chapati’s already massively increasing fanbase prior to Kurry’s death, when news of the bizarre story got out, the Nirvana Masala Chapati went full-on global and in a sadistic twist of fateful irony, the Bandwich became a mass-produced, factory made product worth millions of dollars. Everyone from top businessmen to screaming teenage girls were eating into the world’s hottest Bandwich.
A former sous chef, who had worked alongside Cobbanna to create the snack, responded to its success, in interview, with a single comment; “They all like to eat along, but they know not what it means.”
Grilled Fleetwood Mac’N’Brisket’Cheese Toastie
Hand-made Fleetwood (Lancashire, England) Macaroni with slow-cooked beef brisket, classic Cheddar cheese, rosemary and thyme. Baked in our stone oven and grilled between fresh-cut slices of home made bread. A US/UK hybrid. [Often served on a thick bed of hair]
An old classic still very much loved today as it was back in the late 60’s & early 70’s. There was a time when it was the world’s best selling Bandwich – people were literally going Grilled Fleetwood Mac’N’Brisket’Cheese Toastie mental.
Throughout its long and loving reign, ingredients chopped and changed. People favoured different eras of the Bandwich, different styles, different tastes. An eternal argument as to what makes the best Fleetwood Mac’N’Brisket’Cheese Toastie rages on even today. But, despite its constant state of change, it has inspired thousands upon thousands of other snacks to surface into the eating market, namely Mac & Cheese, Grilled sandwiches and Cheese Toasties. All of which are oily, unhealthy and fucking awesome.